a letter i actually sent

Dear Mom, This is really hard for me to write. Before you go any further, I need you to know I love you. I need a break from you. I realized as I was leaving for Ira’s house and you asked me to buy a bag of pot for you that you came here because … Continue reading

dealing with shrapnel

There’s a lot of shit in my head right now. That’s not even doing justice to what’s going on. But I’m learning a lot this week: 1. Some people still call it an “urn” when they want something to put coffee in. This is confusing when the person on the other end of the phone … Continue reading

a letter I’ll never send

I really wish I could forgive you. But there are things for which forgiveness just won’t form inside my chest. You had no business having a child. But I’m here. I have a brain and a heart and a soul that crave a mother’s love and generosity. I’ll never forgive you for never giving me … Continue reading

when thoughts don’t stop

Reconnecting with my godmother has given me a lot to think about in the past few weeks. The information she has about my early childhood explains a lot. We spent time drinking beer around a bonfire last night with some really cool folks and those snippets of information that leaked out were incredibly revealing.

do you ever get that feeling…

…that you have spinach in your teeth and everyone knows it but no one’s telling you? I’ve been getting that feeling all my life, but the spinach is just a metaphor. I often get the feeling that people know something about me I don’t know about myself. It’s in the way they smile when I say something like “I don’t think I’m smart enough for that” or “I don’t think I’m qualified for that.” It’s in the way I make them laugh without knowing I said something funny.