a letter i actually sent

Dear Mom,

This is really hard for me to write. Before you go any further, I need you to know I love you.

I need a break from you. I realized as I was leaving for Ira’s house and you asked me to buy a bag of pot for you that you came here because you needed to – not because you thought I needed you. That made me realize that my entire life has been about you. There are a lot of things that I’m angry with you for right now. Mostly, I’m angry because you are always more concerned with yourself than with anyone else. I know this sounds selfish of me, but I need some space from you in order to reclaim my life for myself. Every time I talk to you, I’m reminded that you’re still friends with the one person who hurt me most in this world. When someone molests your daughter, they can’t be your best friend anymore. I know you’ve been obsessed with him since you were young, but at some point, you have to look past that obsession and see him for who he really is. He’s not a nice person. He doesn’t even mean well. I hate him. I’m angry with you for still loving him.

I need you to respect that I have to have boundaries in my life. I can’t come running every time you have a fight with Cliff. It’s always the same fight. You have to be strong enough to work on things for yourself. A circle doesn’t have an end, Mom, and you keep going around in the same direction. Every time I drop things and run to you, I’m giving up a piece of myself to enable you to remain in the same situation. Perhaps if I stop dropping my life to work on yours, we can both get somewhere.

I know that you need love in your life. I also know that in order to find it, you need to love yourself first. I know you don’t right now. I can’t fix that for you. There’s work you have to do. And you have to do it on your own. I can’t keep making it easy for you to not do that work.

I’m not saying I’ll never speak to you again. I’m also not saying that I don’t love you. I’m saying that because I love you, I need a break. I sincerely hope that you find love in your life. I hope that you learn to love yourself. When that happens, I’ll still be here. But, without this break, neither of us will make any changes in our lives. And we both need them.

Love,

Porscha

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Comments
2 Responses to “a letter i actually sent”
  1. Cheryl says:

    Hey Porscha,
    I don’t know you, but I keep reading about you on Alicia’s facebook page and decided I had to see who this lady with the awesome name was…and it led me here to read this. I just wanted to tell you that I think this is an awesome letter. It sounds like we had a similar kind of upbringing. I said all of these things to my mother, too…she died- drank herself to death years ago. I just wanted to say- I heard a lot of love when I read it and I hope it helps your Mom in some way- and you.

    • Thanks for your words, Cheryl. I know I put all of that out there for the world to see, and I did it because I knew there were others out there going through the same shit. I hope it helps her, too. It’s been a little over 2 months since she read it. I got a crying phone call from her on Christmas, but haven’t heard from her since. Part of her phone call on Christmas was “I’m still trying to figure out what I did to hurt you.” That made me really sad because it means she didn’t comprehend what that letter was supposed to be saying to her. I was trying to give her concrete examples of exactly what I was responding to. It makes me sad because if she never gets it, then she can never be part of my life again, and on some level, I’m hoping that’s possible. Although, when I wrote that letter to her, I knew the most likely scenario was her being out of my life permanently. Wow, I’m rambling here. Thanks for letting me know that other healthy people have made similar decisions and that they worked out well in the end. I know your mother drinking herself to death is not a “positive” end, but I’m sure since you’re part of Alicia’s life, you’re a healthy person. She’s picky like that because she has to be. It’s one of the parts of her that inspires me so much. When I grow up, I wanna be as good at drawing boundaries as Alicia!

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