dealing with shrapnel

There’s a lot of shit in my head right now. That’s not even doing justice to what’s going on. But I’m learning a lot this week:

1. Some people still call it an “urn” when they want something to put coffee in. This is confusing when the person on the other end of the phone is the mother of your newly cremated friend.

2. Falling backwards out of my chair really did hurt, Ira. Thanks for the push. And the laugh.There are gnarly bruises on my spine and the back of my arm. Plus, a concussion and whiplash. You were right, okay?

3. Some people make promises they know they can’t keep. They’re not trying to lie, though. They just really hope they can keep one this time.

4. I have abandonment issues. This is a long story that doesn’t even make sense to me.Lin tried hard to understand it last night (or was that early this morning) and she gets it. She’s also tremendously encouraging. She doesn’t think I’ll get hurt. So, reconnect, she says. What could be the harm?

5. Lin tries really hard to understand complicated shit. And she’s fucking funny when she does. Wit anyone?

6. Around 4 am it is necessary to throw the covers back to let the heat out of our bed. Lin produces it in mass quantities.It’s also sometimes necessary to eat nachos in bed at 2 am.

7. Sometimes at 4 am, it’s necessary to get out of bed and smoke a cigarette. Right now, this is a really cold necessity, especially when I leave my bathrobe lying on the chair.

8. Sometimes we can’t explain why people mean so much to us – even when they’ve newly arrived (or returned) to the scene. Sometimes we shouldn’t try to, I guess. But y’all know me, I love crunching numbers looking for an explanation.

9. Sometimes we have to deal with one thing before we can get to another. So, I’m putting one foot in front of the other. And, in honor of Ira today, I’m pressing my lips together and blowing. I never could whistle.

10. Everything but one fell apart in my world this week. I’m holding on to Lin for dear life right now. Without her, I’d crumble.


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